You Choose (15/60)

I'm in full Mama Mode right now.

I need to figure out 10 things that represent him for Finn to bring tomorrow as he runs for Vice President of Student Council (a VERY big thing for him).  

Thanks to a busy day (of watching old home videos . . . talk about time black holes), Piper was too busy to print up her invitations.  So, as I'm kissing her goodnight, with a big toothy begging smile she asked me to create invitations and print them out for her birthday party (one week from today).

Celia is thankfully, at the moment self sufficient, but today, in a sad sad voice she begged me to bring her pizza to work.  I am a soft touch (as everyone knows) and she got her pizza.

John.  Oh poor John has been neglected on many levels.  I have promised a movie and some undivided attention to him tonight . . . (we will see how many minutes I make it into the movie before I am asleep, but I'm next to him right?).

But I'm good today because I had the most wonderful massage (thank you Renelle for that treat!) and after that, my lunch plans fell through, so I got to go home and read/dose for a few hours.  Honestly, these past two days have been strange and wonderful dreams of days.  I feel like my brain itself is resting finally after some seriously crazy years of endless needs being only sort of met.

Often we don't get to choose what comes at us (Finn's 10 things, Piper's invites, John's company), but we get to choose how we deal with it.  

For a few weeks at the end of summer and beginning of fall, I was choosing anger and cranky judgemental righteousness.  I felt so justified in everything I felt and all the short sighted actions I took.  None of it, not one bit of it, made me happy.  But as I'm slowly turning (and I'm talking like sloth speed here) to see the good around me and in people, I'm finding a spreading feeling of calm and a slowing of my life that I am totally getting addicted to.

It's like what I wrote about in Going Clean where I began to realize how small and petty I was/am.  Those people driving in, so hopeful to get a camping spot at Jenny's Lake, and I was all, yeah . . . look here, I've got a spot and you DON'T!  I am awesome and well . . . poor you.  But my sweet sister, she had none of that.  She practices abundance and it shows.  That woman is filled with goodness and her life just shines around her.  She was standing there next to me, literally praying, that everyone driving in would get a spot just as good as ours.

I was horrified to see I'd become that small minded person.  Me.  Small minded.  Short sighted.  Blah.  I did not like me in that moment. 

But that's when I realized that "me" isn't a permanent state.  I'm human.  I'm a woman.  I totally get to change.  I get to repent and begin anew.  It is NEVER too late.  On that day, I chose to change.  And I'm remaking that choice daily.

Honestly, I stink at it, this not judging and accepting.  I thought I was good at it.  I think I built this story around myself that I was a good person, but inside, the place it matters, I have all sorts of snarky conversations going on.  

Oh look . . . it's me as that child . . . 

And it's no good.  It's a weight I carry that I want no more of.  I want to be that child I dreamed about as I lounged in the hammock yesterday.  That child never even looked at anyone else unless they had candy or a new game to play.  Otherwise, I was running around to see what the world held in store that day.  Bring back that beautiful child who is open, loving, enthusiastic, and so excited about life.  

So I'm re-choosing today to let things go and pray that everyone around me has good things happen every moment of every day.

Tonight as Finn sat beside me looking at my Instagram, he was searching for photos of his new cousins . . . in each picture he just gushed over how darling they were and how much he wanted to hold them.  And I thought about how all my children more often than not only have kind things to say about people around them (except Piper . . . she is in this class with very "rude" boys who talk about who is ugly in their classes --who does this?--and it makes Piper feel "unkindly" towards them, but I sort of agree with her so . . .).  I am in awe of this.  They are so willing to love and celebrate without judgement and fear that their friends and neighbors joy will take away from theirs.  Nope.  They're just plane old happy for them.  And when they do feel more complex emotions, they name them.  They will say things like, Today, I saw someone wearing the overalls I wanted (I guess this is the desire of all of my daughters hearts) and I thought, Oh, you are SO lucky.  I wish I had those overalls.  

Not, I hate her face, she's an idiot.  

Or she looks so ugly in those nasty things. 

Just pure feeling. I wish I had those because they are perfect and look so good on her . . ..  

It's like they're the grown up and I'm the child.  They are SO healthy.  So uncomplicated.

So I'm taking a page from my babies' books.  I letting go of this nasty weight of crank inside me (Oscar the grouch, you are GONE) and I'm choosing to let in all sorts of abundance mentality.  We can all win.  We can all be happy.  I'm choosing to see things as lovely or if I can't, I just won't look at them (yeah, I can see I still need work here . . . but I'm trying right?).

Oh, John's up from putting the kids to bed.  Off to be WIFE.

So . . . day 15, I'm choosing to let go of that weight of judgment and just accept the universe as it is and people as they are RIGHT NOW and hope the best for us all.

Wow.  That sounds good.  Like if we all did this . . . the world would be a darn good place.

And now . . . off to wifely duties.