The Phoenix: Epicuriousmothering Rising

Saturday I turn 44. I look 44. A few years ago, I tried really hard to hide the fact that I was in my 40s. I was, in fact, idiotic.  It happens. Now, each day, I look in the mirror and think, Hey, only one new wrinkle. Dang girl, you're looking good! Yeah.  At some point, I had this shift.  Instead of all the stuff going wrong, I started being really grateful for all the stuff that's going right. Which tops my list: 1.  Glad to be alive, just because I am ALIVE .  It's a blessing to be able to be in this miraculous world right at this moment. 2. Watching my children grow up .  Rearing children is the stuff of jugglers, optimists, heroes, mathematicians, estheticians, nutritionalists and magicians. Watching them leap out of the nest and fly, more awesome (and terrifying) than I ever expected.  Moses, it's amazing.  Thank you, God, for letting me be here to watch this . . . please help me not to mess it up. 3...

(And we need to get our internet fixed!  It was down again last night . . .  So here's yesterdays) I slept in Saturday morning until 9am. This is actually unheard of for me (unless I travel east).  I wake with the birds.  7:30am is actually pretty late for me to get up . . . but 9am.  Unheard of. And so needed.  I was in bed fast asleep by 10:30 pm Friday night (after the grandma hour date John and I had--dinner and a movie all before 9:30pm--no crowds anywhere!  It was the best). I know I've been mentioning having a hard few months where my anxiety has been a bit higher than normal, but what I was really experiencing was pretty hard long days every day.  I couldn't really get a grip on reality.  I'm still not totally sure what is real and what isn't.  That's the hard part of anxiety, it makes you doubt yourself and everything and everyone around you.  And this, by far, is nothing compared to what I've been through. I know...

I told my friend during yoga this morning that I was going to send out my go-to meals for entertaining . . . but then, well, I got distracted as usual. So that's for tomorrow. For today, I'm going to talk about being a mama. I (John and I) have five children.  Henry Grey, 19 (on a LDS mission in Calgary Canada speaking Mandarin Chinese--he'll be gone until July 2017), Phoebe Laine, 16 (Junior), Celia Bangs, 14 (9th grade), Piper Jane, 11 (precocious 5th grader), and Finnegan John, 9 in three days (tiny 3rd grader).  They are my joy and my pain.  My greatest achievement and sometimes my greatest failure.  There is nothing like kiddos to humble and awe you.  Sometimes it's all humble.  Rarely it's awe.  But when it is, I'm telling you, AWE is pretty much the only word I can describe it. I'm not sure if it's genetics or my absent minded parenting, but my children are SUPER independent.  They were making their own meals honestly when they were...