The Phoenix: Epicuriousmothering Rising

(Tingle ranch right before a huge thunder storm--beautiful despite or possibly because of the storm . . .)  I fell asleep last night as I was about to write my day's beautiful thing (it was a beautiful thing in itself--one of those sleeps that sneaks up on you and steals you away without you even really knowing it--and lasted nine uninterrupted hours) I am changed with this week's intention of finding a beautiful thing in each day.  I hold and examine every seemingly insignificant part of my day and ask over and over, Is THIS the beautiful moment?  I've realized that by focusing so carefully, I've been living quite differently and deliberately all day long.  Each day is full of challenges, daily, sometimes hourly challenges.  And they, I have come to realize have their own beauty as well. Which is why yesterday's beautiful thing was a bitter hard beauty.   It happened when I ran into my parents house after a cold walk with my sister (which was really r...

Saturday I turn 44. I look 44. A few years ago, I tried really hard to hide the fact that I was in my 40s. I was, in fact, idiotic.  It happens. Now, each day, I look in the mirror and think, Hey, only one new wrinkle. Dang girl, you're looking good! Yeah.  At some point, I had this shift.  Instead of all the stuff going wrong, I started being really grateful for all the stuff that's going right. Which tops my list: 1.  Glad to be alive, just because I am ALIVE .  It's a blessing to be able to be in this miraculous world right at this moment. 2. Watching my children grow up .  Rearing children is the stuff of jugglers, optimists, heroes, mathematicians, estheticians, nutritionalists and magicians. Watching them leap out of the nest and fly, more awesome (and terrifying) than I ever expected.  Moses, it's amazing.  Thank you, God, for letting me be here to watch this . . . please help me not to mess it up. 3...

. . . you feel lonely and sad. (Warning:  Some serious honesty coming your way) I felt that way most of yesterday.  A lot of it was because I thought I'd missed my window to "be" anything . . . that my course was set and I was too old to variate or change.  Then, as I wrote yesterday, I realized it's never too late.  That's what amazing humans teach us and what great ficiton tries to teach us--it's never too late to change if we want it and when we allow change into our lives, amazing things can happen. And I am choosing to change and I feel so much better--like new in so many ways.  And with this new found bravery, willing to face some other hard things I am going through. I've realized another reason I feel so sad is because I feel like my friends, the people I've surrounded myself with for the last eight years, are all changing.  Their lives are busy and getting busier as mine is slowing down. The ones whose lives are slowing down as well ha...

John at me at a friend's 50th birthday celebration last week Watching my children fall in love has brought home to me my own fall and reminded me of the mystery of it all.  There aren't words or explanations or reasons.  It just happens for no apparent reason or maybe every apparent reason. I hated the idea of falling in love and marriage when I was sixteen.  Everywhere I looked, I saw long term love and marriage as something hard and heavy and wearying.  I had already told my mother that there was no way I was ever going to get married. It just seemed like way too much work and totally tied you down . . . not to mention children.  They were WAY too much work.  I was going to travel the world (I already had the perfect backpack and hiking shoes and clothes that were perfect for travel) after college (which I was going to finish as quick as possible).  I was going to dig wells   and teach people how to read and fill my arms with be...

I know things come easily to people. I've seen it in my own children.  Reading for example:  Some children you point to letters, say their sounds, and they almost immediately know how to read.  Others, it's honestly like banging your head against the wall.  They simply don't get it.  Reading makes zero sense to them and no matter which way you teach it, they can't figure out how to make all the sounds turn into words.  It just doesn't click.  And then, one day, one year, everything falls into place and clicks and they literally know how to read overnight. More often than not, they start devouring books and you wish a little that they never learned because that's all they are doing (but not really, because . . . oh the stress of having a non reader . . . blah).  Everyone has their own time table for waking up and learning things. Reading did not come naturally to me. I knew what the sounds made but putting them together seemed so wrong.  T...

If any of you know me even a little, you will know that we have a REALLY big family and that our family gets together a LOT. Today was a perfect example of this . . . I had two nieces and their significant others from my brother, a nephew from my sister, and a sister and her two sons (and a girlfriend) over for dinner.  Not to mention my own five (Phoebe is in St. George with her boyfriend). We ate outside (yes, it was a little warm . . . but having all 16 of us sitting around the table outside in the fresh air laughing and talking to each other as usual, was just the exact thing I needed today). Here's us on the longest table on earth (two long tables put together .  . . ) Shot from above . . . don't you wish you lived closer?  Because you'd be more than welcome! Benny, sweet Benny and Finn.  Best part of my day . . . holding this beautiful baby girl in my arms and listening to her tell me life's secrets . . . AND introducing Shelby and Chase to the ...

I'm sure I mentioned this before, but I'll mention it again . . . just in case . . . as a child, I was somewhat riddled with anxiety.  Like I woke up each morning convinced that this day was my last.  My poor mother.  Bless her heart for dealing with my crazy. At some point, maybe around 12 or 13 I begin to realize that this daily terror was affecting my life (yes, it took me a minute).  Everyone around me seemed to get into cars without the least worry.  They'd leave their love ones daily and not fear and tremble that it would be the last time they'd lay their eyes on their dearly beloved.  Not to mention, they did fun things . . . like all the time.  They biked, swam, ate adventurous food, and well . . . lived.   Now, I'm going to get side tracked for a second, and mention that my fears were founded on fact.  My brother was seriously injured in front of me, my mother got ran over as I watched (both stories for another ti...

So this is me and my sister, Annie B.  Note our natural state.  We are in this photo about to embark on a week of showerless existence.  I woke up that morning and said to myself, Let the week of no make up, no hair do, lots of wet wipes, and prayers begin. I may have been a little excited about it (and the fact that I can take photos with my watch as a timer . . . holy. cow.  I mean, look at these awesome shots I got of me . . . yes, you are welcome to laugh your head off at them.  I do).  but really . . . aren't they a little awesome?  I mean . . . look at those jumps! So we camped. We hiked.   We biked (a lot). We saw bears (if you look really careful you'll see him too . . . Finn biked right by him about a foot away . . . Hello, Bear.  You're cute.  But I'm still scared of you). We cooked (and it was hard.   Bear boxes . . . BEAR BOXES will be the death of me.  Honestly, my phone tracked...