The Phoenix: Epicuriousmothering Rising

Saturday I turn 44. I look 44. A few years ago, I tried really hard to hide the fact that I was in my 40s. I was, in fact, idiotic.  It happens. Now, each day, I look in the mirror and think, Hey, only one new wrinkle. Dang girl, you're looking good! Yeah.  At some point, I had this shift.  Instead of all the stuff going wrong, I started being really grateful for all the stuff that's going right. Which tops my list: 1.  Glad to be alive, just because I am ALIVE .  It's a blessing to be able to be in this miraculous world right at this moment. 2. Watching my children grow up .  Rearing children is the stuff of jugglers, optimists, heroes, mathematicians, estheticians, nutritionalists and magicians. Watching them leap out of the nest and fly, more awesome (and terrifying) than I ever expected.  Moses, it's amazing.  Thank you, God, for letting me be here to watch this . . . please help me not to mess it up. 3...

And this is our bed (air mattress) we slept on in Hurricane . . . it was warm . . . There are some phrases from your childhood that cause endless confusion and curiosity.  One of those phrases for me was when I'd hear my mother or aunts or grandmother talk about a marriage as having a "cold bed" marriage.  Up until I was probably well into my teens, I assumed this meant that one of the couple was perpetually cold and needed extra blankets for sleep. I was, as you all know, a genius of unparalleled smarts. When I indeed discovered that it meant that a marriage either was on the rocks (another great phrase that I more rapidly understood--usually because when I heard "that marriage is on the rocks" the next thing I knew, they were divorced) or more often, that there was nothing happening in the marriage bed, I became quite curious about this.  I mean, why get married if you don't like each other?  And how could these things not only go on for weeks...

John at me at a friend's 50th birthday celebration last week Watching my children fall in love has brought home to me my own fall and reminded me of the mystery of it all.  There aren't words or explanations or reasons.  It just happens for no apparent reason or maybe every apparent reason. I hated the idea of falling in love and marriage when I was sixteen.  Everywhere I looked, I saw long term love and marriage as something hard and heavy and wearying.  I had already told my mother that there was no way I was ever going to get married. It just seemed like way too much work and totally tied you down . . . not to mention children.  They were WAY too much work.  I was going to travel the world (I already had the perfect backpack and hiking shoes and clothes that were perfect for travel) after college (which I was going to finish as quick as possible).  I was going to dig wells   and teach people how to read and fill my arms with be...

I know things come easily to people. I've seen it in my own children.  Reading for example:  Some children you point to letters, say their sounds, and they almost immediately know how to read.  Others, it's honestly like banging your head against the wall.  They simply don't get it.  Reading makes zero sense to them and no matter which way you teach it, they can't figure out how to make all the sounds turn into words.  It just doesn't click.  And then, one day, one year, everything falls into place and clicks and they literally know how to read overnight. More often than not, they start devouring books and you wish a little that they never learned because that's all they are doing (but not really, because . . . oh the stress of having a non reader . . . blah).  Everyone has their own time table for waking up and learning things. Reading did not come naturally to me. I knew what the sounds made but putting them together seemed so wrong.  T...

Sometimes you just have a good day.  It doesn't happen that often, but when it does, you just need to sit back and relish it.  That's what I'm doing right now. The sun is pouring in through the wall of windows in my room warming me all the way through.  Piper and Finn are happily playing downstairs with their cousins, their laughter and chatter floating up the stairs making me smile.  Celia has spent the day at home (her free day) making cake, reading, and actually helping me.  Phoebe is off with laughing friends--I won't see her again today I'm sure.  And John is off picking up pizza so no dinner making for me (joy joy joy) After a beautiful session of flowing yoga and a killer 10 minute ab workout with my choga girls, I walked three miles with Emily in the wind and the sunshine and felt cold and alive.  Then I curled up on the couch with the final book in the Red Rising series (honestly, best. books. ever!) and finally got to read.  I ignore...

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately.  Some of it good, some of it not so good.  It's interesting over the years to watch marriages around me either crumble or get stronger or some, just sort of plod along.  I know, it sounds like I'm describing something animate and real when I talk about marriages and here's the deal, I think they are animate and real.  They're like this living organism.  If you talk to Brene Brown, she'd tell you that LOVE is a living organism and it needs food and water and light to survive. And of course, at the base of marriage is love right?  But honestly twenty years in, there is a lot more things involved.  It's like this crazy map of a million different emotions and memories and feelings and to be honest, it can get a lot messy. I remember my parents having a bit of a rough patch (for years on an off) and when one of my sisters suggested that my mom just divorce my dad and be done with it, my mom said, Oh, I cou...