The most interesting part of my writing every day (all six days of it) is how it is a barometer of my emotions. They go up and down and all over the place. Today I am feeling . . . weepy. Not sad or unhappy, just a little weepy. I used to think it was hormones, but I've been tracking it and it happens to me all over the month. Some times, our hearts are just a little tender.
I guess today just about marks the six month anniversary of our unemployment. That is a long time. It's gone both slow and strangely fast. The thing that I've noticed the most is that I have little to almost no expectations of anything. At first, I thought everything was a sign. A phone call, a friends new job, a odd connection or anxious interview were all signs of some amazing job. Now, well, now, I just focus on this very exact moment and what needs to be done in that moment or what I can do. I don't even notice for the most part what jobs he's applying to or what connections he's made or had. I can do nothing about it or influence it, so I'm focusing on what I can do or more importantly what can I make for dinner or what clothes need folding. I read a quote today that said, "Instead of focusing on what's going wrong, think about what can go right." I love that quote, but I don't actually think it's helpful for me today.
Really. After six months of things going quite wrong, you look at quotes like that and you think, well, the first part is good, but the last part, I'd change it to . . . because the bad that's happening today can get a heck of lot worse tomorrow so enjoy today! That's more my style. I know that things can go right and really often do, but a lot of times they don't. That doesn't make life bad or horrible or or anything, it just makes it real. Crap happens. Life takes all sorts of unfair and bazaar twists and turns and a lot of unexpectedness gets dropped on your doorstep to deal with. That's just the price of living.
Now, I know that some people have very good luck. My sister, talking to me about struggling with her somewhat willful son said, "My life has always gone according to plan and now this!" I looked over at her and laughed. It was true. Her life, all 45 years of it, had pretty much gone according to plan. Not that she hasn't had a dip here or there, but for the most part, she and her husband made plans and just like that, the plans came to fruition. Then she gets a willful son who for a few months (and I'm telling you, I know those months were hard) she struggled with what to do with him and how to deal with him. It was devastating for her and doubly devastating because she'd never had anything not go according to plan. I felt horrible for her. But that didn't stop me from laughing at what she'd said. I think I shocked her with my laughter. I'm not laughing at you, I said, I'm laughing because pretty much NOTHING in my life has ever gone according to plan. Not. A. Thing.
I wanted to go to college, travel the world, join the peace corp, and maybe somewhere later I'd get married. Instead, I met and fell in love with someone at 16 and was married by 20. We were going to travel the world together and go to graduate school somewhere distant and wait until our late 20s to have children. We got pregnant a year later and had Henry six years early. We went to Law School (instead of international diplomacy) at BYU to give us a chance to save money and me to go to graduate school where family could help tend Henry. Then we were off to San Deigo to quickly pay off loans and play in the ocean. But then airplanes hit buildings and the whole NASDAQ crashed and with it, John's 200 year old firm--no one wanted to hire securities lawyers. So we sold our home and lived in my in-laws basement and had a series of miserable miscarriages and months and months of looking for a job. We finally found one and it was good and we bought a house and thought we were set. But then, after yet another miscarriage (see, I can't even plan my babies right) we decide to take a big old risk and move to Canada for an exciting job in natural resources (what John had always wanted) and to be near family and experience life. It was a sure thing, right? Wrong. The main investors, a week before the final phase of financing, Leman Brothers, well, they invested in a lot of houses and yep . . . you guessed the Financial Crisis happened and the whole bottom dropped out of that. So . . . had to move quick like and where were we? Back in Utah. In my ever kind in-laws basement with our now five children. We did find a job within a few months and again . . . we thought, oh man, this is really going to last. A gold mining company with lots of funding and lots of mines. Yeah, well, those mines discovered the biggest gold deposit in the world. And just like that, not even two years later, the company is sold and we're looking for a job again . . . I'm going to stop there because . . . it just goes on like that.
See what I'm saying . . .
Not.
One.
Thing.
According.
To.
Plan.
And really, I'm being honest here, it stinks half the time. Really, I have hives and a bellyache regularly. This was not my plan, in fact, this life I've lived was my anti plan. And poor John knows it. He's pretty much given me my worst nightmare.
But you see, it's not anymore. My worst nightmare now is giving up hope and losing love and forgetting all the good things in my life. Just because I didn't or haven't chosen the pattern of this life doesn't mean I haven't loved it. I'm more afraid of forgetting to enjoy each day than I am that John won't ever get a job. I've met people and had experiences I never would have if things had gone according to my plan and without them and those experiences I would be half of who I am.
Yes, I hate unemployment and uncertainty and not making money and having to watch every penny and relying on the help of others. I do. It's hard hard hard hard HARD.
But life, life is good. And sweet. And funny. And crazy. And full of all sorts of twist and turns that I want and need in my life.
So, maybe my quote would be, Stop thinking about all the things that have gone wrong in your life, instead think about how those wrong things have made your life right.
Boom.
I guess today just about marks the six month anniversary of our unemployment. That is a long time. It's gone both slow and strangely fast. The thing that I've noticed the most is that I have little to almost no expectations of anything. At first, I thought everything was a sign. A phone call, a friends new job, a odd connection or anxious interview were all signs of some amazing job. Now, well, now, I just focus on this very exact moment and what needs to be done in that moment or what I can do. I don't even notice for the most part what jobs he's applying to or what connections he's made or had. I can do nothing about it or influence it, so I'm focusing on what I can do or more importantly what can I make for dinner or what clothes need folding. I read a quote today that said, "Instead of focusing on what's going wrong, think about what can go right." I love that quote, but I don't actually think it's helpful for me today.
Really. After six months of things going quite wrong, you look at quotes like that and you think, well, the first part is good, but the last part, I'd change it to . . . because the bad that's happening today can get a heck of lot worse tomorrow so enjoy today! That's more my style. I know that things can go right and really often do, but a lot of times they don't. That doesn't make life bad or horrible or or anything, it just makes it real. Crap happens. Life takes all sorts of unfair and bazaar twists and turns and a lot of unexpectedness gets dropped on your doorstep to deal with. That's just the price of living.
Now, I know that some people have very good luck. My sister, talking to me about struggling with her somewhat willful son said, "My life has always gone according to plan and now this!" I looked over at her and laughed. It was true. Her life, all 45 years of it, had pretty much gone according to plan. Not that she hasn't had a dip here or there, but for the most part, she and her husband made plans and just like that, the plans came to fruition. Then she gets a willful son who for a few months (and I'm telling you, I know those months were hard) she struggled with what to do with him and how to deal with him. It was devastating for her and doubly devastating because she'd never had anything not go according to plan. I felt horrible for her. But that didn't stop me from laughing at what she'd said. I think I shocked her with my laughter. I'm not laughing at you, I said, I'm laughing because pretty much NOTHING in my life has ever gone according to plan. Not. A. Thing.
I wanted to go to college, travel the world, join the peace corp, and maybe somewhere later I'd get married. Instead, I met and fell in love with someone at 16 and was married by 20. We were going to travel the world together and go to graduate school somewhere distant and wait until our late 20s to have children. We got pregnant a year later and had Henry six years early. We went to Law School (instead of international diplomacy) at BYU to give us a chance to save money and me to go to graduate school where family could help tend Henry. Then we were off to San Deigo to quickly pay off loans and play in the ocean. But then airplanes hit buildings and the whole NASDAQ crashed and with it, John's 200 year old firm--no one wanted to hire securities lawyers. So we sold our home and lived in my in-laws basement and had a series of miserable miscarriages and months and months of looking for a job. We finally found one and it was good and we bought a house and thought we were set. But then, after yet another miscarriage (see, I can't even plan my babies right) we decide to take a big old risk and move to Canada for an exciting job in natural resources (what John had always wanted) and to be near family and experience life. It was a sure thing, right? Wrong. The main investors, a week before the final phase of financing, Leman Brothers, well, they invested in a lot of houses and yep . . . you guessed the Financial Crisis happened and the whole bottom dropped out of that. So . . . had to move quick like and where were we? Back in Utah. In my ever kind in-laws basement with our now five children. We did find a job within a few months and again . . . we thought, oh man, this is really going to last. A gold mining company with lots of funding and lots of mines. Yeah, well, those mines discovered the biggest gold deposit in the world. And just like that, not even two years later, the company is sold and we're looking for a job again . . . I'm going to stop there because . . . it just goes on like that.
See what I'm saying . . .
Not.
One.
Thing.
According.
To.
Plan.
And really, I'm being honest here, it stinks half the time. Really, I have hives and a bellyache regularly. This was not my plan, in fact, this life I've lived was my anti plan. And poor John knows it. He's pretty much given me my worst nightmare.
But you see, it's not anymore. My worst nightmare now is giving up hope and losing love and forgetting all the good things in my life. Just because I didn't or haven't chosen the pattern of this life doesn't mean I haven't loved it. I'm more afraid of forgetting to enjoy each day than I am that John won't ever get a job. I've met people and had experiences I never would have if things had gone according to my plan and without them and those experiences I would be half of who I am.
Yes, I hate unemployment and uncertainty and not making money and having to watch every penny and relying on the help of others. I do. It's hard hard hard hard HARD.
But life, life is good. And sweet. And funny. And crazy. And full of all sorts of twist and turns that I want and need in my life.
So, maybe my quote would be, Stop thinking about all the things that have gone wrong in your life, instead think about how those wrong things have made your life right.
Boom.
someone I know says, "it is a waste of time to plan - you always have to change the plan." As for me - I'm a planner by nature, but my plans are always more ambitious than I am in reality. I'm still learning to adjust my plans. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteBoom indeed! William Blake said that we can come safely through our experience by the power of our own imaginations and depending on how we use them--that is, by our ability to choose how to think and see and feel and gain love and empathy from the experience. Then we can prophecy in truth. I love how you have re-imagined the saying and continue to let phoenix rise. It's a constant fiery furnace, though. I hope you feel my imagination working in love and comfort towards you!
ReplyDelete