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| And this is our bed (air mattress) we slept on in Hurricane . . . it was warm . . . |
There are some phrases from your childhood that cause endless confusion and curiosity. One of those phrases for me was when I'd hear my mother or aunts or grandmother talk about a marriage as having a "cold bed" marriage. Up until I was probably well into my teens, I assumed this meant that one of the couple was perpetually cold and needed extra blankets for sleep.
I was, as you all know, a genius of unparalleled smarts.
When I indeed discovered that it meant that a marriage either was on the rocks (another great phrase that I more rapidly understood--usually because when I heard "that marriage is on the rocks" the next thing I knew, they were divorced) or more often, that there was nothing happening in the marriage bed, I became quite curious about this. I mean, why get married if you don't like each other? And how could these things not only go on for weeks, but more often for months and even years?
It seemed horrible.
And long and lonely and . . . well, I wondered how often this "cold bed" occurred in marriages . . . was it catching? Could it be prevented?
When I asked my mother (I assure you, this was the last time I asked her anything like this) she assured me in great detail why her and my father's bed was FAR FROM COLD.
(Groan, sigh, cringe and yes . . . I did plug my ears. Some things should never ever be discussed with your young teenage child. . . EVER)
Blah.
So, that was not very helpful.
What did help me, though, was having a teacher at church. I do not remember her or her husband's name (help me anyone from Madison Ward who can recall them . . .) but they were darling and lived in our ward only a few years. She was bubbly and bright and cheerful and after eight years of marriage finally about ready to pop with their first baby. I remember (I think) that she was a NICU nurse and her husband, I think his name was Clark?, was finishing up Med school at Yale. He, unlike her, was very serious and no none sense.
I would look at them and wonder how on earth they got together. The only conclusion I could come up with was that they were both good looking . . . and I guess something mysterious that I couldn't understand (I think what I was missing that they loved each other . . . but 13 year olds aren't very observant).
So one Sunday, I remember her teaching us a lesson on something (no idea what) when she sort of stopped and looked at all of us permed haired, boy crazy, budding barely teens and said, I'm going to be honest with you right now.
We all stopped what we were doing and gave her our full attention. Adults never stopped lessons and told us they were going to be honest . . . oh boy, we were totally listening.
Marriage, she said, isn't always great. In fact, during the years of my marriage I have never been more lonely in my life. Sometimes I've felt utterly alone.
STOP THE PRESSES! What was this she was saying? Marriage is lonely?
How is this possible? You're with someone . . . like 24/7 . . . marriage is supposed to cure loneliness.
This made absolutely NO sense to me whatsoever.
She continued.
I want you to know that when you find yourself, years from now, in a super lonely time in your marriage. Don't give. Don't think it's the end. It isn't. Heavenly Father is there for you and if you trust in him, you will find a way through the loneliness. You'll get through it. And things always get better.
Then she cried for a few minutes (and I of course chalked it up to her hugely pregnant state) and just asked us to remember this for our future life.
And it turns out I did.
Fast forward 30 years and I'm married 23 years and I can not tell you how many times in those 23 years I have thought about her baring her soul to five very immature 13 year olds and how much it has helped me . . . and maybe saved my marriage.
Because I'm here to tell you that no one escapes a "cold bed" time in their years of marriage. For the lucky ones, it lasts only few days maybe a few weeks. For other's of us, it lasts years. And to come back from that "cold bed" stage, it's a loooooonnnnggggg road that does take a lot more than you.
It totally, at least for me, took a massive dose of God and miracles and forgiveness, in the mix. And I'm not even talking about any sort of betrayal, I'm just talking about petty misunderstandings that turn into a big black mess of trouble you've got to sort through.
But it's also taught me to be so grateful for the warmth of my marriage when it is good (which, I'll be honest, is pretty often). This past week, John's been out of sorts (I think he's been fighting off a cold). He's been short tempered, tired, and not his usual affectionate and generous self.
In short, we did not get along this week.
Our bed, to be blunt, was very cold.
And I got very sad.
It's been such a long time since were weren't on the same page, that I'd forgotten how hard and lonely it is. I feel like I've been slogging through my days. When something delightful or hard happened, and I tried to share it with John, he didn't even really listen, and when he did, it was to just look at me blankly and say, I don't get it.
Grrr.
What 23 years and lots of bumpy patches has taught me is this--it must run it's course. The cranky, the irrational, the picky, blahness just has to run it's course. What I need to do is be as understanding as possible and willing to forgive and be patient . . .
I am, quite frankly, and John will affirm this . . . HORRIBLE at this.
Horrible.
And so . . . I last about three minutes before I am . . . the arctic. John just makes the bed cold, I make it a iceberg.
It turns out, John misses warm me. And we begin having discussions and talks and eventually get around to laughing and remembering why we really really like each other.
And just like that . . . where there was nothing but bleak coldness, there is a thawing, then warmth.
There is nothing better, really, that finding that my bed is once again a place of understanding, trust, laughter, and most of all warmth.
So for all of you out there going through a "cold bed" period, I'm so sorry. There is nothing harder, lonelier or more frustrating. Instead of being your best thing, it is your most heart achey thing and it doesn't go away. It's so heavy and real and you can so easily feel lost. I get it. I feel you.
You're not alone in this. And for me, the thing that has made the most difference, EVERY SINGLE TIME, has been going to a higher source for help, understanding and guidance. For me, it's God and prayer. I don't know what it looks like for you, but I promise if you open yourself up to something more than you . . . ideas, people, phrases, words in books your reading, or even conversations happening around you will help guide you through this time.
I pray for all of us that we will find warmth once more. It's worth the work and worry. And if that's not your marriage path . . . your more "on the rocks" "cold bed", then I'm praying you'll find your way through that to. Each path can lead to new beginnings, new you and new starts (even if it's on your old marriage). Be brave. Be strong. Know that whoever is lucky enough to be married to you is the luckiest man/woman alive. Know that.
Here's to less "cold" and more warm beds.
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