. . . you feel lonely and sad.
(Warning: Some serious honesty coming your way)
I felt that way most of yesterday. A lot of it was because I thought I'd missed my window to "be" anything . . . that my course was set and I was too old to variate or change. Then, as I wrote yesterday, I realized it's never too late. That's what amazing humans teach us and what great ficiton tries to teach us--it's never too late to change if we want it and when we allow change into our lives, amazing things can happen.
And I am choosing to change and I feel so much better--like new in so many ways. And with this new found bravery, willing to face some other hard things I am going through.
I've realized another reason I feel so sad is because I feel like my friends, the people I've surrounded myself with for the last eight years, are all changing. Their lives are busy and getting busier as mine is slowing down. The ones whose lives are slowing down as well have found jobs (I'm not quite there yet) and I'm stuck in this limbo and I feel lonely.
There's really nothing to be done about it. It's a new phase that I just need to bow to and accept (with grace).
But a few months ago, I was not bowing to it or accepting it at all.
I felt raw and concerned.
I realized that I was sending out a lot more text than I was receiving . . . in fact, I wondered if I was getting any that weren't generated by me.
So I sort of stopped texting . . . and guess what happened? Almost no one texted back. I went a week almost without hearing from most of my friends. Others . . . well, it's been more like months.
What does this mean?
Are they not calling or texting any more because I've offended them? Do they not like to be with me? Have I done something? Or are we all just too busy to reply?
And more importantly, what do I do with this information? That these friends who I thought were good friends seem to not notice I've stopped texting them or inviting them places?
Does this mean we aren't friends?
Was I just making up this? What our friendship all one sided?
And on and on . . . down a bit of a rabbit hole. It seems so clear, right? Reading this you're like, Yeah, those people who don't seem to notice you're not texting anymore, they're not your friend. Drop them like a hot coal. Move along. Nothing left to see here . . .
Only some of these women have been friends with me for years. We've been through stuff together. Sometimes held each other together when we thought we'd fly away into a thousand pieces. We have history . . . what do I do with all that history?
Now, that's what makes all of this so complicated.
History. And love. And memories. And gratitude. And just plane old wanting to feel needed and wanted.
I've cried to John more times than I can count about how heart breaking this is; this new phase and feeling like I'm losing "my people" who I used to be able to count on . . . but now, can't.
What did I do?
How am I navigating this?
I'll tell you. I'm starting to let go of these beautiful meaningful wonderful friendship. I've given myself a few months in some cases to mourn--to feel the loss and at the same time to let myself feel all the gratitude that I got a chance to have such good friends in my life. I felt like I made those little Chinese boats in my mind like in Kubo and Two Strings did in honor of the dead. I made up a beautiful boat of memories, ran through them, let my heart fill up with thanks and then, with a deep cleansing breath, mentally and emotionally let those friendships go.
And it felt so good. Like I did when I gave away all my too skinny pants (earlier blog--linked), not really an end, but a new beginning. Instead of sadness at the loss, I felt so glad for the memories. And that these women will be in my heart forever. I wasn't moving away from them, instead, I was giving space for them to go through and do whatever it is they needed to do.
It was like magic, as I let go, I think I saw what many of them were going through for the first time. Instead of hurt, I felt . . . compassion. I'm not saying the hurt went all away, but most of it did.
And that's when I finally looked around and saw that because the doors of many of these friendships shut, windows all over my life had opened for friendships I didn't even know I had . . . and thanks to all this time I now have, could blossom and grow.
These newer friendships are light and easy with people, like me, who have time, but also ideas and dreams that they want to accomplish. So if we don't text or call for a few days even weeks, we pick up where we left off. It's even and easy.
We find such joy in each other's company and I find they are like me in so many ways . . . they want to talk about ideas and dreams. They rarely talk about other people (unless it is seeking help in understanding a tricky situation) and if they do, it's with admiration and love and awe. I end most of my time with these women lighter and happier and better.
A few good friends who are there for you, who listen when you talk and share themselves with you, that is food for your soul.
And so my social schedule has drastically been reduce, I find (silver lining!) with these new friendships, I have so much time to read, write, think, and most important of all, hold precious babies who fill up my life.
Really, I still have sad days where I miss the breakfasts and lunches and feeling needed and wanted in an immediate way, and I think I may always miss it, but this new phase, these new friends, they fill up my soul.
And that, soul filling friendships, are gifts that I don't think I've done anything to deserve.
The blessed blessed Universe just bestowed them on me.
So if you're feeling a bit at odd and a shift in your friendships, know you're not alone. It's hard, its heartbreaking sometimes, and others, its a bit shattering . . .
But I promise, if you look around you, there are quiet beautiful humans that are also your friends who may not be what you're used to, but are people worth getting to know better.
And your life . . . it will be all the better for it.
(Warning: Some serious honesty coming your way)
I felt that way most of yesterday. A lot of it was because I thought I'd missed my window to "be" anything . . . that my course was set and I was too old to variate or change. Then, as I wrote yesterday, I realized it's never too late. That's what amazing humans teach us and what great ficiton tries to teach us--it's never too late to change if we want it and when we allow change into our lives, amazing things can happen.
And I am choosing to change and I feel so much better--like new in so many ways. And with this new found bravery, willing to face some other hard things I am going through.
I've realized another reason I feel so sad is because I feel like my friends, the people I've surrounded myself with for the last eight years, are all changing. Their lives are busy and getting busier as mine is slowing down. The ones whose lives are slowing down as well have found jobs (I'm not quite there yet) and I'm stuck in this limbo and I feel lonely.
There's really nothing to be done about it. It's a new phase that I just need to bow to and accept (with grace).
But a few months ago, I was not bowing to it or accepting it at all.
I felt raw and concerned.
I realized that I was sending out a lot more text than I was receiving . . . in fact, I wondered if I was getting any that weren't generated by me.
So I sort of stopped texting . . . and guess what happened? Almost no one texted back. I went a week almost without hearing from most of my friends. Others . . . well, it's been more like months.
What does this mean?
Are they not calling or texting any more because I've offended them? Do they not like to be with me? Have I done something? Or are we all just too busy to reply?
And more importantly, what do I do with this information? That these friends who I thought were good friends seem to not notice I've stopped texting them or inviting them places?
Does this mean we aren't friends?
Was I just making up this? What our friendship all one sided?
And on and on . . . down a bit of a rabbit hole. It seems so clear, right? Reading this you're like, Yeah, those people who don't seem to notice you're not texting anymore, they're not your friend. Drop them like a hot coal. Move along. Nothing left to see here . . .
Only some of these women have been friends with me for years. We've been through stuff together. Sometimes held each other together when we thought we'd fly away into a thousand pieces. We have history . . . what do I do with all that history?
Now, that's what makes all of this so complicated.
History. And love. And memories. And gratitude. And just plane old wanting to feel needed and wanted.
I've cried to John more times than I can count about how heart breaking this is; this new phase and feeling like I'm losing "my people" who I used to be able to count on . . . but now, can't.
What did I do?
How am I navigating this?
I'll tell you. I'm starting to let go of these beautiful meaningful wonderful friendship. I've given myself a few months in some cases to mourn--to feel the loss and at the same time to let myself feel all the gratitude that I got a chance to have such good friends in my life. I felt like I made those little Chinese boats in my mind like in Kubo and Two Strings did in honor of the dead. I made up a beautiful boat of memories, ran through them, let my heart fill up with thanks and then, with a deep cleansing breath, mentally and emotionally let those friendships go.
And it felt so good. Like I did when I gave away all my too skinny pants (earlier blog--linked), not really an end, but a new beginning. Instead of sadness at the loss, I felt so glad for the memories. And that these women will be in my heart forever. I wasn't moving away from them, instead, I was giving space for them to go through and do whatever it is they needed to do.
It was like magic, as I let go, I think I saw what many of them were going through for the first time. Instead of hurt, I felt . . . compassion. I'm not saying the hurt went all away, but most of it did.
And that's when I finally looked around and saw that because the doors of many of these friendships shut, windows all over my life had opened for friendships I didn't even know I had . . . and thanks to all this time I now have, could blossom and grow.
These newer friendships are light and easy with people, like me, who have time, but also ideas and dreams that they want to accomplish. So if we don't text or call for a few days even weeks, we pick up where we left off. It's even and easy.
We find such joy in each other's company and I find they are like me in so many ways . . . they want to talk about ideas and dreams. They rarely talk about other people (unless it is seeking help in understanding a tricky situation) and if they do, it's with admiration and love and awe. I end most of my time with these women lighter and happier and better.
A few good friends who are there for you, who listen when you talk and share themselves with you, that is food for your soul.
And so my social schedule has drastically been reduce, I find (silver lining!) with these new friendships, I have so much time to read, write, think, and most important of all, hold precious babies who fill up my life.
Really, I still have sad days where I miss the breakfasts and lunches and feeling needed and wanted in an immediate way, and I think I may always miss it, but this new phase, these new friends, they fill up my soul.
And that, soul filling friendships, are gifts that I don't think I've done anything to deserve.
The blessed blessed Universe just bestowed them on me.
So if you're feeling a bit at odd and a shift in your friendships, know you're not alone. It's hard, its heartbreaking sometimes, and others, its a bit shattering . . .
But I promise, if you look around you, there are quiet beautiful humans that are also your friends who may not be what you're used to, but are people worth getting to know better.
And your life . . . it will be all the better for it.
 |
| A loaf of bread brought over, spontaneously, by a friend . . . |
Comments
Post a Comment