I am so in the Red Tent (notice my post yesterday--posted at 11:58pm and it was only pictures--darling Piper--but still only pictures. Lazy and doing nothing girl, that is me!).
But in here, I keep having these thoughts . . .
And this one is about Doubt.
Why am I afraid of that word?
Doubt.
It's uncomfortable. . .
To experience either because someone doubts you or because you doubt someone. It's like a pit in your stomach of dread and foreboding.
Doubt.
What if what you believe is not true?
What if what this person or that person is saying is not true?
What if the people you trust, betray it?
Yeah, see, doubt is a scary word because it represents the opposite of faith or security or knowledge, right?
It's slippery and it creates all sorts of insecurity.
Yeah, you're seeing why I'm afraid of that word and that concept . . ..
In fact, perhaps it's a hot button to me. When I was a younger person (maybe not that long ago) when someone would challenge me (yep, doubt me), I would immediately get super duper defensive. Even if I wasn't 100% sure of my stance and was in fact open for different opinions, once I felt doubted, well, my spine straightened and I just became 1000% sure I was right.
Doubt made me a bit of a fool. Well, I guess defensiveness did, but that was a fruit of doubt (the evil fruit to be sure!). I can't stand that part of me
And then I listened to this amazing short talk TED about Doubt a few days ago and I've been reeling from it. Casey Gerald talks about how doubt in his life has been this catalyst for change for the good. It's seriously one of the best TED talks I've ever heard--totally lyrical and beautifully written. The whole concept is that even in the greatest disappointment, when the surest thing ever turns out to be a hoax or a complete failure, that it's not the worst thing. Because it opens the door for new believes.
I totally love this. I think I've written about a hundred different times when this has happened to me. When I was a young girl believing that if I went back to public school, I'd be all sorts of crazy and naughty (our High School when my elder siblings went there was known for many, many wildnesses--oh the stories) and would disappoint my parents. But I wanted to learn, I wanted to expand, I wanted to progress. So I took that step (with help) and went to public school.
And it was terrifying.
I mean, mind blowingly terrifying.
I don't even know where to begin to tell you how woefully unprepared I was. I remember coming home from school, going up to my room, crawling out on my roof (it was off my bedroom) and staring out at the valley and thinking, "What the crap am I going to do? I know NOTHING! I am going to totally and utterly fail everything. Everything."
But I didn't. I went back to school the next day, I put aside my pride (and what a hard thing that is) and began to ask questions. Yep, I got laughed at a lot. What is ROYGBIV that everyone keeps talking about? Sheer laughter. But I didn't care. I couldn't care because I didn't know. I was like this human vacuum that was sucking up information in ever class. And at first I really did fail things. Math especially. But I kept going back and kept asking questions and if one person didn't give me the right answer, I asked another one. There probably wasn't a person in that school who I didn't at one point or another ask to explain something to me.
But the thing is, after they figured out that I wasn't being funny, I really didn't know, the out pouring of support was insane. I look back on that time and I know that the reason I adjusted so quickly and well was because everyone in that school pretty much poured everything they knew into me. I would have been lost without them.
And that, more than any book knowledge, was the very best part of my high school education. Thanks to their help, their patience, and their believe in me, I not only adjusted, I thrived.
But without that doubt that homeschool might not be for me, I never would have gone back to school. I never would have learned how to ask questions. I wouldn't have learned how to let go of my pride and ask for help and know that once I did, people are ready and willing to help. I wouldn't have known so many things, but most of all, things about myself--my glaring weaknesses as well as my hidden strengths. I am so grateful for that seed of doubt that propelled me to be brave, take risks, and believe that I could succeed.
I know that sounds like a paradox, but that's it? Doubting seems like such a bad thing, but I totally agree with Casey, sometimes it really does open the door for amazing, sometimes miraculous discoveries.
Do doubt, my friends. Doubt and feel OK with the fear and disorientation that goes along with it because, if you follow through and search and work and get your but out there every day trying to figure it out, you might just discover something amazing.
But in here, I keep having these thoughts . . .
And this one is about Doubt.
Why am I afraid of that word?
Doubt.
It's uncomfortable. . .
To experience either because someone doubts you or because you doubt someone. It's like a pit in your stomach of dread and foreboding.
Doubt.
What if what you believe is not true?
What if what this person or that person is saying is not true?
What if the people you trust, betray it?
Yeah, see, doubt is a scary word because it represents the opposite of faith or security or knowledge, right?
It's slippery and it creates all sorts of insecurity.
Yeah, you're seeing why I'm afraid of that word and that concept . . ..
In fact, perhaps it's a hot button to me. When I was a younger person (maybe not that long ago) when someone would challenge me (yep, doubt me), I would immediately get super duper defensive. Even if I wasn't 100% sure of my stance and was in fact open for different opinions, once I felt doubted, well, my spine straightened and I just became 1000% sure I was right.
Doubt made me a bit of a fool. Well, I guess defensiveness did, but that was a fruit of doubt (the evil fruit to be sure!). I can't stand that part of me
And then I listened to this amazing short talk TED about Doubt a few days ago and I've been reeling from it. Casey Gerald talks about how doubt in his life has been this catalyst for change for the good. It's seriously one of the best TED talks I've ever heard--totally lyrical and beautifully written. The whole concept is that even in the greatest disappointment, when the surest thing ever turns out to be a hoax or a complete failure, that it's not the worst thing. Because it opens the door for new believes.
I totally love this. I think I've written about a hundred different times when this has happened to me. When I was a young girl believing that if I went back to public school, I'd be all sorts of crazy and naughty (our High School when my elder siblings went there was known for many, many wildnesses--oh the stories) and would disappoint my parents. But I wanted to learn, I wanted to expand, I wanted to progress. So I took that step (with help) and went to public school.
And it was terrifying.
I mean, mind blowingly terrifying.
I don't even know where to begin to tell you how woefully unprepared I was. I remember coming home from school, going up to my room, crawling out on my roof (it was off my bedroom) and staring out at the valley and thinking, "What the crap am I going to do? I know NOTHING! I am going to totally and utterly fail everything. Everything."
But I didn't. I went back to school the next day, I put aside my pride (and what a hard thing that is) and began to ask questions. Yep, I got laughed at a lot. What is ROYGBIV that everyone keeps talking about? Sheer laughter. But I didn't care. I couldn't care because I didn't know. I was like this human vacuum that was sucking up information in ever class. And at first I really did fail things. Math especially. But I kept going back and kept asking questions and if one person didn't give me the right answer, I asked another one. There probably wasn't a person in that school who I didn't at one point or another ask to explain something to me.
But the thing is, after they figured out that I wasn't being funny, I really didn't know, the out pouring of support was insane. I look back on that time and I know that the reason I adjusted so quickly and well was because everyone in that school pretty much poured everything they knew into me. I would have been lost without them.
And that, more than any book knowledge, was the very best part of my high school education. Thanks to their help, their patience, and their believe in me, I not only adjusted, I thrived.
But without that doubt that homeschool might not be for me, I never would have gone back to school. I never would have learned how to ask questions. I wouldn't have learned how to let go of my pride and ask for help and know that once I did, people are ready and willing to help. I wouldn't have known so many things, but most of all, things about myself--my glaring weaknesses as well as my hidden strengths. I am so grateful for that seed of doubt that propelled me to be brave, take risks, and believe that I could succeed.
I know that sounds like a paradox, but that's it? Doubting seems like such a bad thing, but I totally agree with Casey, sometimes it really does open the door for amazing, sometimes miraculous discoveries.
Do doubt, my friends. Doubt and feel OK with the fear and disorientation that goes along with it because, if you follow through and search and work and get your but out there every day trying to figure it out, you might just discover something amazing.
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