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| Me . . . by Finn |
Lately, I feel like my human has been showing and I'm desperately trying to tuck it in. And when I say human, I mean, my weaknesses. I feel like they are glaringly out there . . . my ignorance, my lateness, my forgetfulness, my cluelessness, my anxiety, my fears, and my thick as a brick state. For reals, why does it all hang out at once? It's soo real.
I've been wondering why it is so present right now? In so many ways, my life is sweeter than ever. One child married to literally to someone I could not have in my wildest dreams imagined for my son . . . Chloe is his other half. One happily and thriving in college. A senior with dreams and determination and darn good work ethic who seems (fingers crossed) happier than she's ever been. Then two little kids who are so uniquely themselves I wonder whose children they are. Fearless and dreamy and delightful, Piper and Finn are rock stars (and I take no credit . . . must be the oldest three's influence). We have good things in our lives (yes, stress here and there and money is always in shorter supply than we'd like . . .but its ok). I have more time than I've had in years. YEARS.
So why do I feel so exposed and vulnerable and susceptible to all sorts of wrong thoughts?
I seriously am letting these lovely days where I can finally get to weeding and decluttering my closets not to mention writing (the novel kind) and picking up piano and any number of crafts and projects I've dreamed about pass by without doing a thing.
Why?
I feel like a child myself, ideas of what I want to do but distracted by everything under the sun. I've been thinking so much about it and I think two things . . .
1) I'm in discovery phase.
Meaning, I've got to run through the list of everything I am and am not to discover what I want to be and who I am again. It's EXHAUSTING! And really hard. I am looking at my past twenty two years choices and wondering if I made the right one (staying home with my babies). So far, a resounding YES! But it's taken a few minutes to get there . . . lots of self doubt and fear and worry.
I will never again shake my head and say, You crazy, at all the mama's who go through this . . . whether they are stopping having babies and figuring out what it's like to stay home (at least part way) and be a mama (bless there hearts, it's THE HARDEST). Nor will I think anyone is crazy who cries about there babies going off to college. Part of the mourning there is for the mama. They just got fired without severance. They are in so many ways left jobless and homeless because your home is empty, echoy, vacant, and hallow when your sweet babies leave. You wonder around and your mind and heart is filled to overflowing all the memories of them surrounding you. The regret, the sorrow, and ultimately the pride and joy . . . oh they about do a person in. Bless our mama hearts.
(And just like that I'm crying again. Oh, man, the tears I'm shedding these days. I am a literal watering pot. Just pass me a tissue please and ignore the tear stained face)
and
2) I am opening my closet door and the skeletons of my life, they're coming out . . .
Some are friendly and just need a quick pat on the back to go dancing off and not bother me any more, but others, they're like really big and scary (might have some flesh attached still --soooo gross but that's how it feels) and they smell and I really really REALLy wish they'd go back in the closet.
But they don't. They're sitting around me asking for some TLC and I'm beginning to give it to them.
I faced my homeschooling childhood. I'm telling you, People. digging through that pile of bones was HARD . . . and I'm still not all the way out because in the middle and all around are tied in other things, like my faith, my sense of self, and my identity. Like crazy complicated right? Oh, man, wish me luck? I sooo need it.
As I am turning around and uncovering my eyes and my heart, I am seeing not just the bad and hard, I am also allowing in the sweet and funny and crazy in my life. I am feeling twinges here and there, of me, the child, the adolescent, the young adult, the married, young mama and middle and old mama come alive and begin to merge and I see how lucky I have been at all stages of my life. I feel grateful for the lie down and die hard, crazy bazaar and nutty. I see how all those experiences have shaped me into who I am today and given me so much.
So these skeletons, once they're cleaned off and put together better, they aren't so scary. In fact, they make me feel less alone and fearful. They are starting to make me feel confident and tender and emotional . . . so emotional.
And I am so so grateful because somewhere along the line, when everything seemed like to much and the knocking on the closet door was so loud, I willed myself to stop feeling. Like not on purpose and I didn't know how good I'd be at it, but I got good at putting on emotional armor and it was so much easier to live without worrying or getting hurt or upset. Life went so much smoother when I didn't care.
Opening that closet and having all this stuff fall on me . . . it's cracked my armor and I'm open again. I'm tender and exposed and I feel EVERYTHING times ten.
It hurts.
It's scary.
It's amazing.
And most of all, it's making me honest about almost everything. This morning, for the first time, I asked a friend to change the time so that I could have a minute between a hike and our lunch. Before I would feel to bad putting someone out. But why? Why couldn't I at least ask? Because I was afraid they wouldn't go to lunch with me if I put them out at all? That's when I realized that friendship doesn't work that way. Real friendship anyways. Your people know when you ask for a concession . . . it's because you need it. And they understand. And they do. She did.
That's what this vulnerability has taught me, let the people closest to you know YOU. Talk to them honestly, given them truth, and they will answer with their own truth and hopefully a bit of vulnerability themselves.
I think we lock away ourselves when we feel exposed and we hide behind all these crazy notions that people don't care and don't reach out, but really, we've shut doors. Or maybe, those who we are relying on for comfort or help, they're in their own desert of hurt. And friendship isn't about 50/50. Friendship, like love, is about being there for each other. Forgiving each other. And laughing your heads off . . .. None of this will happen unless you say, I am having a hard time. I am scared. I am going bat crap crazy and I don't know why . . . (Might have said all of these things one time or another . . . or all at once).
Our people are out there for us. They love us. Let them love us.
And so . . . I don't think I would choose to have my human hanging out, I liked it just fine all tucked in, but it's out there and now and maybe that's where it should always be.
I used to skinny dip all the time with my friends in high school. I can't even tell you how much I loved it (I am indeed crazy). There is nothing like throwing off your clothes and diving into warm water and being utterly and totally free of everything. You stop caring about your body as this thing to ether flaunt or fear. It's just a body that lets you glide through water. You are grateful for it. And when you pull yourselves out you feel ten different types of happy and unashamed and laughing and free. Your body is beautiful because it is there and we all are naked together. Exposed and a little bit worried but also just so glad to not be alone in our nakedness.
Isn't that how it is with life?
So maybe we all just need to do a lot more skinny dipping . . . you in?
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