10/60 There Will Be Hunger

I love food.

I think about it, I read about it, I watch shows about it, and my favorite novels and stories have strong food themes.  

my favorite food magazine ever.  See how warped it is?  Use.  and serious reading 

When I'm feeling frantic or anxious or worried, I clean my house, not deep cleaning, just enough so that I know that everything has some order, then I pull out one of my ten aprons (my favorites are all no fit for company . . . covered in all sorts of stains and splats from sauces), pull my hair back in a bun, and pull out a recipe and cook.  Or bake.  Or sometimes, just create something from several recipes or ideas from my mind.

The minute I begin slicing and gathering ingredients (especially when I go forage out in my garden), I feel the knots on my belly and mind begin to unravel.  As the kitchen begins to fill with the rich aroma of simple ingredients simmering together, I find I begin to take my first deep breathes and life once again seems manageable.

When I serve this food, I literally feel like I am sharing my peace and joy.  And I swear, when I am not right, my food tastes off.  The bread doesn't rise right.  The cookies don't spread right.  And the meat is tough and flavorless.  

This past July, I realized my eating habits were horrible.  There was no sense of balance anywhere.  I was running lots of miles each week, doing yoga and other cross training, and going on long walks.  I kept track of calories for a few weeks and I'd burn an average of 2000 calories a day.  Instead of feeling on top of my game, I felt literally like I was barely moving.  I was tired all the time and felt flubby (that is a word . . . well, it's one I created with the help of friends).

I began to pay closer attention to what I was eating and saw that 1) I seriously wasn't eating nearly enough and 2) because of that, I was binging on crap when I did take time to eat.  My poor body was getting abused and all my joy and skills in the kitchen, honestly were going to waste.

It was around midnight one night on another horrible eating day that I was like, Nope, NOT TODAY Satan of food.  You will not make me eat bad another day! 

I pulled up a scrap of paper (I just found it and threw away . . . because it turns out I'm not sentimental at all) and wrote on it (because if you write it down . . .):

 for one month eat no white flour, no refined sugar, and nothing fried; eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with snacks in between but only healthy snacks (none of the above)--there WILL BE HUNGER  (but I know this, so you have two cheat meals and one day you can eat whatever you want)

Oh.  My.  Heck.  

The first week, I literally thought about eating my fist . . . it looked so tasty.  

I ate a good breakfast, lunch, and dinner and snacks, but my body was literally DYING for sugar and fat and white flour.  

I would lie in bed and dream about white toast slathered in butter with a big bowl of ice cream.

I reached for my chip bag at least 18 times a day.

And candy . . . who knew how much I ate until I didn't.

I felt like my whole world was turned upside down.  And I hated it.

But I also loved it because of two things that happened:

1) within 48 hours, my crazy bloat that I'd had for literally three years went away

and 

2) I felt cleaner (I know that sounds absolutely crazy, but I felt cleaner . . . on the inside . . . like my body wasn't cluttered up with junk).

So I kept going.  And I learned that after dinner, I need something sweet.  So I cut up apples or had a bowl of (don't be grossed out . . . its really really good . . . for someone starving for sugar) all natural peanut butter and come unsweetened (only I just found out that they are . . . but lalalalal I'm not listening!) carob chips.  

And I found that I ate a lot more at my meals.

I also filled my house with healthier food.  There are tons of yogurts and hummus and veggies and peanut butter (did I mention I love peanut butter?) and really good whole wheat breads.  No artificial stuff, like puffed wheat or whatever (if you like that . . . go for it!  Me?  I need FOOD), just real food.  And I didn't worry about fat.  I had huge slices of salami and cheese and avocados and all sorts of peanut butters and almond butters.  I'd slather that stuff on.  Not to mention nuts and fruit and good old fashioned grains--oatmeal I love you again!

And I began to start cooking . . . recipes strong on the protein and low on the carbs.  But not no carbs . . . just better carbs.  I discovered from Trader Joe's (oh I can't say enough good about that store), they have whole wheat pizza dough.  I bought that and made my favorite Breakfast Pizza (I will put the recipe on my recipe cache ASAP--it's literally to die for) and the kids and I actually preferred it.  I pulled out all my old and new issues of Cooking Light (it's not true, it should be named Cooking Delicious because it's honestly got the best, most cookable but sooo to die for good recipes every) and making new and interesting recipes again (I will share my favorites . . . including my modifications next time).

Those two cheat meals and one day to eat whatever I want?

Used every  . . . single . . . . one every week.  So I never felt really stifled or restricted.  I ate decadent desserts and rich fried foods.  But once those meals and or days were done, I went back.

And the funny thing is . . . it's three months later and I'm still eating the same.

I don't think I've lost a pound.  But I feel so so much better.  Food isn't something I ever worry about eating too much of or not enough of.  I don't skip meals (unless something crazy weird happens) and plan my day around making sure I get everything I need in each meal.  This morning, I was running late, so I grabbed a Chobani yogurt, ripped the top open and poured in a bunch of granola and grabbed an apple to munch on while I drove.  I'm telling you, I feel SO much better and it's really not that hard. It takes three minutes and you have energy for hours.

So in this search for new beginnings and figuring stuff out for all of us what are on this journey, make sure you fuel this search.  Try even for a few days cutting out something you know is sort of bad for you.  If you can go one day, you can go two.  And then, if you go a few more, try to replace it with something you know is good for you. 

That's what I think as I'm going through these days and weeks of searching for the old me, the new me, and a possible future me.  It's hard.  Days I feel like I'm totally useless everywhere.  I have no skills that anyone could possibly want and I don't remember what I learned in college (that was 18 million years ago).  I am nothing but a washed up mother.

No.  Not today Satan who belittles sweet mothers.  You will not have me.  I am more than that and I have skills I probably don't even know about.  But I'm going to find them.  Negative thoughts, BE GONE.

I've been asking myself, if you put aside fear, what would you want to do with your days?  Really, like dream big here.

This is what I've come up with (my Mary Poppins List):

I want a job that isn't really a job: IT something that creates and develops something.

I want to be in control of my hours: take vacations when my family can.

I want to work with people.

I want to work with my friends.

Now, I don't know where any of this will lead, but it's my list (and when you write it down . . .).  I like it.  It feels right.  And now, I can start exploring all this.

My next two ideas--real estate license (might have friends doing this), interior design (probably won't do anything with this but LOVE it!  I'm singing up for classes if any of you want to join), and teaching (what a really really want to do) college.

I have no idea how I'll get anywhere, but I've got a start.  I have stuff written down and now . . . I'm going for it. 

I will remember, there WILL be hunger and hardness, but I'm stronger than that fear and worry.  I've got this.  And so do you.  I believe in you.  

Piper and I making stewed tomatoes for our fall soups and sauces