Kindness.
It's like the most wonderful thing ever.
But so is honesty and sometimes, I like it even more than kindness.
I think we often, in the fear of being unkind, are not honest when we should be. This lack of honesty creates all sorts of bad behaviors in ourselves and in our friends and family and people we interact with. Lots of crap situations happen because we are too afraid of just telling the truth--even if it's hard to hear or say. Lately, well, this year, I've been really working on examining myself and truth and honesty and kindness and how I interact. I've come to a few realizations, but first, let me define honesty.
To me, honesty is when we tell what's inside our hearts and let what is important to us be known. Honesty is NOT an excuse to say, Yeah, let me be honest, you're a crap sister or you're a bad husband or you really DON'T understand how to do your hair. No, being honest is saying, I don't think I can actually be room mom for this class, can you help me find a replacement? Or I need to know today what is happening at the family reunion so I can plan for it, I know that might be hard, but if we can work on this together, it would really help me. It's your own issues that you are trying to be honest and let it be known so that the solutions can be found. It's communication that can fix and heal and create safe places for us all.
Now, this is one thing I've learned, honesty is vulnerability and it creates all sorts of knee jerk reactions--especially when your honesty is met with hostility or defensiveness--and then, sorry to say, but all hell seems to break loose. And you find yourself saying, yeah, that was NOT good. I'm never being honest again. Total FAIL.
Which leads me to another thing I've learned: Life is about failing. Yep, being honest (hence vulnerable) puts you in a hard spot and in my case, is about 50% of the time met with not such pleasant reactions.
Maybe it's turning 40 or it's being tired of feeling so confused all the time, but whatever it is, I'm not so afraid of being like, Wait, I don't understand this . . . and I need to. So slow down and lets take a minute here and talk about this. Sometimes, that's not so good. But, I'm 40 right, and I'm like, yeah, well, I'm not going anywhere until we figure this out. I'm not afraid of ruffling some feathers. I'm not afraid of saying, Wait, I get that your upset about this topic, I am sorry and I want to talk about it in a way that makes you comfortable . . . how can we do this? I listen and hopefully we find a way around the difficulty (usually involving me having to say sorry a lot and listen a lot and back tracking about sixteen miles, but eventually, we get to a place where we both feel safe). And then we continue to talk. I don't want to bully my way into these conversations where I NEED to be heard above everyone else. What I seek with honesty is mutual understanding.
That's hard. HARD. But like I said, I'm not afraid of failing and I'm not afraid of hard. And so I have these conversations and in my mind, I tell myself talk with respect, gentleness, and calmness. Sometimes it's more like . . . Remember, Mary, CALMNESS! GENTLENESS!!!!! RESPECT, DARN IT!
But I'm thinking it, and that should help . . . right?
Which is one of the bestest things I've learned so far . . . it's ok if things get uncomfortable and it doesn't turn out all roses and sometimes you feel just horrible but . . . it's like a really good hurt. It's liberating. I mean, to actually say what's inside of you . . . it's not always pretty, but it's real, it's truth, it's honest and it feels so RIGHT. Even if it makes you into a slightly crazy person--it's the truth, we are all crazy, mean, small minded, opinionated, self-righteous and plane old wrong. But that's what also makes us lovable and human and real.
I honestly thought, Oh, so THIS is how it FEELS to be . . . (fill in the blank with people in your life who are honest--sometimes to the point where you're like, Uh, didn't need to know THAT).
And I like it!
A lot . . .
So, I guess this is me. Move over Justin, I'm bringing HONEST back!
It's like the most wonderful thing ever.
But so is honesty and sometimes, I like it even more than kindness.
I think we often, in the fear of being unkind, are not honest when we should be. This lack of honesty creates all sorts of bad behaviors in ourselves and in our friends and family and people we interact with. Lots of crap situations happen because we are too afraid of just telling the truth--even if it's hard to hear or say. Lately, well, this year, I've been really working on examining myself and truth and honesty and kindness and how I interact. I've come to a few realizations, but first, let me define honesty.
To me, honesty is when we tell what's inside our hearts and let what is important to us be known. Honesty is NOT an excuse to say, Yeah, let me be honest, you're a crap sister or you're a bad husband or you really DON'T understand how to do your hair. No, being honest is saying, I don't think I can actually be room mom for this class, can you help me find a replacement? Or I need to know today what is happening at the family reunion so I can plan for it, I know that might be hard, but if we can work on this together, it would really help me. It's your own issues that you are trying to be honest and let it be known so that the solutions can be found. It's communication that can fix and heal and create safe places for us all.
Now, this is one thing I've learned, honesty is vulnerability and it creates all sorts of knee jerk reactions--especially when your honesty is met with hostility or defensiveness--and then, sorry to say, but all hell seems to break loose. And you find yourself saying, yeah, that was NOT good. I'm never being honest again. Total FAIL.
Which leads me to another thing I've learned: Life is about failing. Yep, being honest (hence vulnerable) puts you in a hard spot and in my case, is about 50% of the time met with not such pleasant reactions.
Maybe it's turning 40 or it's being tired of feeling so confused all the time, but whatever it is, I'm not so afraid of being like, Wait, I don't understand this . . . and I need to. So slow down and lets take a minute here and talk about this. Sometimes, that's not so good. But, I'm 40 right, and I'm like, yeah, well, I'm not going anywhere until we figure this out. I'm not afraid of ruffling some feathers. I'm not afraid of saying, Wait, I get that your upset about this topic, I am sorry and I want to talk about it in a way that makes you comfortable . . . how can we do this? I listen and hopefully we find a way around the difficulty (usually involving me having to say sorry a lot and listen a lot and back tracking about sixteen miles, but eventually, we get to a place where we both feel safe). And then we continue to talk. I don't want to bully my way into these conversations where I NEED to be heard above everyone else. What I seek with honesty is mutual understanding.
That's hard. HARD. But like I said, I'm not afraid of failing and I'm not afraid of hard. And so I have these conversations and in my mind, I tell myself talk with respect, gentleness, and calmness. Sometimes it's more like . . . Remember, Mary, CALMNESS! GENTLENESS!!!!! RESPECT, DARN IT!
But I'm thinking it, and that should help . . . right?
Which is one of the bestest things I've learned so far . . . it's ok if things get uncomfortable and it doesn't turn out all roses and sometimes you feel just horrible but . . . it's like a really good hurt. It's liberating. I mean, to actually say what's inside of you . . . it's not always pretty, but it's real, it's truth, it's honest and it feels so RIGHT. Even if it makes you into a slightly crazy person--it's the truth, we are all crazy, mean, small minded, opinionated, self-righteous and plane old wrong. But that's what also makes us lovable and human and real.
I honestly thought, Oh, so THIS is how it FEELS to be . . . (fill in the blank with people in your life who are honest--sometimes to the point where you're like, Uh, didn't need to know THAT).
And I like it!
A lot . . .
So, I guess this is me. Move over Justin, I'm bringing HONEST back!
yes, conversations seem to be very short with people who aren't very.... honest (as you have described it)
ReplyDeleteone doesn't want to say anything too real because it might be labeled as being "critical" or "negative" or naive or advicey, or all the other things you mentioned
i have always liked talking to you, Mary..... even though i know there are many things running through your mind about my silly thoughts.... i always know you will be kind to me in the end.