Still Happy

About five weeks after I wrote the last post (in July 2015), John went into work and found out that the new management company had decided that they could no longer work with John (and if you know John even a tiny bit, you as we did, find this a bit confusing . . . but nevertheless) and so, they asked that he step down from Vice President of Legal Affairs and Vice President in Training (I added that).

Pretty much crap news all around.

For many many reasons, but the biggest one is that he sort of kind of loved his job.  Not working, but who he was working with and he was kicking serious butt.  I mean it.  He got a promotion and a big old raise in June (yep, two months prior to the kick out) and he was honestly thriving.  I've never in my 20 plus years of being married (and we're not counting the four years of dating here) of knowing him, seen him so good.  Calm.  Smart.  Self assured and confident.  And good at what he does/did.

So then why on earth did they lay him off, eh?

Yep.  You can guess that that question has been batted around quite a bit in these parts.  And frankly, we find it a bit disconcerting ourselves.  There are some ideas and they're probably right (crazy lady from the overtaking company who did not like John--or anyone for that fact), but it turns out, it doesn't really matter.

I know, how can it NOT matter?  Did he do something?  Could he have avoided it?  You MUST learn a lesson here.

Well, turns out that sometimes, there is no lesson to learn.  Sometimes crap happens and that's the end of it.

But it's not the end of life . . . or joy . . . or hope . . . or laughter . . . or a future.

Nope, it's just crap and as with everything, it will pass.  Maybe we will run through all our savings.  Maybe not.  Maybe a lot more crap will happen before it gets better.  I don't know. And honestly, I don't want to know.

I want to stay right here in this moment.  Because in this moment, I have a warm house, a pantry full of food, healthy happy children, cars that work, and hope.  And right now, this day, this hour is all I really need to be happy in.  And it turns out, that I am happy.  In fact, I think, despite the heaviness of having to THINK about our future and count our pennies and be creative with everything to make it last, I am happier than I have ever been.

I know.  It's totally crazy and had you asked me two weeks ago, I would have said, Oh I'm fine.  I'm great!  But deep down I would have doubted it.

Last week when I was having a moment (and honestly, who doesn't have moments even when life is utterly perfect?), I might have said, I seem fine on the outside, but I'm not so fine on the inside.  Yet, as soon as I said it, I realized that it wasn't actually true.  I mean, I am really sad, but it's not for me or the kids or the lack of money coming in.  It's for John.  I'm broken hearted for him.  Honestly, John could deal with almost anything better than losing his job like this.  He's one tough cookie, but with his varied and someone spotty jobs, this hits a tender spot.  In fact, I might say it's a bit of his Achilles's Heel and the way everything came down, it seemed to strike true.

So it turns out, that the hardest part of all of this, is to watch on the sidelines as someone I love struggles through something a bit daunting for them.

And there's nothing I can do to take it away from them.

This, it seems, is what's made me feel a bit doubtful about my "goodness."  So somedays, when I know that John's having a rough time (and really, the man is IRON, he rarely lets himself stew at all . . . ), I feel my heart break a little and I know that I still love him.  And oddly enough, it all somehow, makes me feel happy.  The painful happy that sometimes makes tears squeeze out of the corner of your eyes.  Because I know he's facing down his demons and at least for the moment, he's winning.  Watching him get up each day and laugh and clean (oh, glory, my house has never looked so good) and look for jobs and do jobs for friends and help wherever he can, it makes me feel so proud of him.  More proud that I ever did when he got all his raises and promotions.

Now, it's not always sweet and lovely.  Sometimes I wish for THREE MINUTES alone.  And I miss my job.  I used to take kids places and do homework and clean and cook and run the house . . . but now I've got an Executive living with me without a business to run.  So he runs mine (and to be honest, WAY better than I ever did).  I'm unemployed to.  So somedays, I'm cranky and feel lost.  And I'm mad that him losing his job made me lose mine.  Just isn't fare.

But then I realize that I've read six books, I never do dishes, or fold clothes, or worry about being home at 2:20pm, all my cabinets are organized and . . .  I have a moment where I think, Ok, lets just ENJOY this. Really, Woman, do NOT kick this gift horse.  ENJOY.

And I do.

I mean, I always have someone to go to lunch with, share the great thing I read with, and snuggle with when I'm feeling sad.

Now, you're looking at my life and thinking, Gosh, that's not so bad, huh?

And I haven't even gotten started on how kind and generous and wonderful our family and friends had been.  Honestly, I think of that scripture in Isaiah where God says he'll gather us as a hen gathers in her chicks.  I feel that way.  I feel gathered in and held safe.  It makes me pray twice as hard for all those around me who have challenges too.  I want them all to feel this warmth and comfort.  And it makes me look a little bit more closely at people around me to see what I can do, what small act, word, hug I can give to lift them a bit.  Because I know, so so keenly, how much little acts of kindness when you're a bit  challenged can indeed lift the weary heart.

If I have ever done a kindness to anyone, it has been repaid ten, no, fifty fold.  I do not deserve such love and kindness, but I am so so thankful for it.  It lifts me and gathers me in.

And, most beautifully and completely, it makes me happy.